Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
