Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
