Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
