I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
