How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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