chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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