there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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