Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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