My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
