What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Randomize
