My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
