I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I want a musical about memes.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize