You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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