I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
