Umm I'm too high to move.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
