i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
