I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
