I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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