Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
