You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
