the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
