What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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