Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
