Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
