i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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