you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
NoShamevember. You game?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
