Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
