Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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