i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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