stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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