dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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