Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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