I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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