remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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