well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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