Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
