i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
