He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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