He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
