I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's just like the Real World with babies
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
