You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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