the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
