Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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