never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
