My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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