News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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