a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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