Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
