so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize