Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
