I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
