Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
