I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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