In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
