Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize