Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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