Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
