There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
