My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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