I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
