and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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