Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
