He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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