9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
