The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
