she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize