I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
