Betty ford says i'm here all night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize