Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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