i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
