Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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