I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
