i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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