im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
