areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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