Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
