just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
