I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
